Day 12, On The Table

Impromptu moments can be picture perfect.  Day 12 of August Break suggested at all the moments we gather around our tables, and what fun it is to capture those moments, meal related and otherwise.

I thought I’d be skipping this day in pictures, given our household schedules and the lonely table that would reflect them.

As it was, a friend and I gathered at her place, and shared conversation over a glass of wine.  So no table, though here is the counter, and a moment, captured for On The Table.

onthetable

 

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Loss Lingers and More

Our phone conversation coming to a close, she says “Happy Mother’s Day”.  I respond in kind with heartfelt measure.  Disconnecting the call, my face crumbles, and there is it. Again. Loss. Grief. Longing.  This memory recall within my center. Mom.

She feels it I know. How she is missed.  Yet it is important she continues her healing journey toward peace, on that higher plain, joined by the others that are also missed.

I then stand here and will joy and gratitude to return.

And I wish all of my sisters, aunts, nieces, cousins, friends, as mothers or as mothered, here and beyond, a heartfelt Happy Mother’s Day.

My mom and my daughter

My mom and my daughter. Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, 2000

Snap!

I’m on a mission.  Purpose driven.  Big stuff. Balancing the heavy with humor the best I can. Reading helps, as does rest.  Snacks, too.

Until very recently I held this notion that I lacked focus.  For me this notion propelled my normal flits of thought into chaotic mind-chatter, compelling me to believe I wasn’t contributing anything of purpose back into my world.  Crazy talk, I tell you!  My self isn’t always generous with me.

It seems my higher-self decided she’d had enough of me and offered some clarity. Snap! The thought materializes. I see and hear it!  A realization that I have in fact been intently focused.  A wonderfully long-term focus. (Mom)-hood.  Huge moment of expansion.  Relief.  Maybe what I contribute does matter.  Perhaps I am offering something meaningful.

A clarification of focus:(mom)hood:

I make my choices and try to move in directions that best support raising my daughter.  As I believe processes to roll, I get the privilege of always being her mommy. I am meant to encourage, support, and amaze in her growing years, so that she might step into her own strong, equipped and enlightened self.  There is meant to be a degree of separation to come.

Back to my Snap! moment.  With the relief, and clarification of my role as mom, I had to quickly assess my perceived lack of focus.  It seemed this meant I could reframe the story I kept telling myself, and sometimes others.

If I’ve always known my focus:(mom)hood role would cease in its current form, then it has been important to seek and determine what’s next. The what-comes-next process has been a long running research and contemplation effort. Numerous interests, the desire to learn, while remaining gainfully employed full-time, coupled with the focus:(mom)hood project… well, see above. Chaotic mind-chatter!

I wavered in this shiny new Snap! revelation.  Could I really reframe my lack chatter? Call in the troops.  I share Snap! with her, asking that she call me out if I wasn’t speaking a truth.  Could she see me in the Snap!?  Was I being honest in this contemplation?

I hear an excited “Yes!” followed by affirming and loving statements as to how she sees me, has always seen me.  Seems my Snap! offered my best pal some joy as well. The conversation closed. Relief and something more continued.

I gently, humbly, with total reverence, acknowledged and gave thanks for the moments of grace I had been bestowed. And started reframing my story!  So continues the journey.

Schooled

The fierce warrior within, dormant, unnamed, was awakened

well before that first open-mouthed, toothless grin formed around

the spoonful of carrots when she saw me walk toward her…

Checking under the bed to make sure, again, there are no scary things;

tucked in with blessings and prayers for family, friends;

assurance the angels are keeping watch…

Kissing scrapes after tumbles to quickly transpired for me to divert…

Sharing in her joy with a new friendship secured, sharing her sadness as it fades…

Connecting in our laughter, the story unimportant;

the memory of the laughter remains and is revisited in our conversations…

Fierce and loving protector always, specifically born for her I think…

Ah, what we don’t know, until we do, given all the precautions, guidelines,

safety measures we are taught to teach —

the proper way to brush teeth, the look left-right-left move before crossing the street,

bundling up against the cold…

Is that fierce warrior Me, always desiring to protect and keep her safe,

free from harm to the best of my ability, has been schooled…

I am unable to protect her from herself…

Life.